I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
