Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
