tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
