Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
