and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
how does that bad decision feel?
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
