Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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