Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
