I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
