you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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