It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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