It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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