I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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