youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
