The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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