if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
My bed smells like the plague
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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