she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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