I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
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We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
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You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.