I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
3 2 1 whiskey
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.