the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
