Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Randomize
