god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
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