so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
