I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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