4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
