Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
