also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
