I cannot find my penis.
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
