Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
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