either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
