dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
