when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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