Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
