I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
