I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
