my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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