Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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