My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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