I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
how drunk are you?
Several
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
