he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
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