I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
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