i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
