She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
