There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
