never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Randomize
