So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
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