She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
