Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
