I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
