so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
