I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
my liver is dry heaving
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
