im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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