Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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