She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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